so we've been selected

i do not believe in fairies.

Sat, 05 Mar 2005 19:13:05 GMT

Theses pills are fucking with my chemistry. I dont know what happened tonight for a good five minutes. I have no idea. I am going haywire. I tremble and shake with...

The scene is hard. Not hard. But tough to do. It requires me to dig up feelings and emotions i have been holding down with all of my might. Its like a rape victim being told to play a rape scene. I am hoping in some way it will be theraputic. But truely beleive it wont be.

Right now i feel dead. So many disappointing numbers and an empty body. An empty mind. An empty life. But an overflowing mind that desires to burst out of my skull and eat me alive. So many things are wrong. But nothing, in reality is. I dont know where i am, or what i am doing. The truth is so far away from me. I am Reverend Dimmesdale. But not by choice. I am in solitary confinement. I wish to feel.

Did you hear that?

I want to feel. Not just feel though. To feel fine.

Things are amiss. My ambivalence is taking over. My optimism is driven by a pessimistic rush. I need to breakdown. Everything is breaking down, but my body wont. I am a cast, a mold, a shell of a human, and inside is are two tiny atoms about to fuse and blow everything away. I want to feel and to not feel.

I want hospitalization. But not to miss any work. I want ephedrine. I want something back, but i am not sure what. I want to die. I want to go back in time and change who i am. I am a model. I am a picture of something no one wants to be. I need someone to cry to. I need someone to be with me. But there isnt.

Molly, you are being so good to me, you make me feel better. You are an amazing friend. Thankyou so much. I hope to get better. I hope to be well. Hope is agony. Hope is torture. Hope is utterly hopeless. Yellow ribbon, card, shirt my ass. No one knows the desire to dig deep into their wrist like me. To stir the stillness inside. To break the ice. Melt it away with hot metal and fury.

So many emotions to be addressed. This may sound passionate. But it is to be read in a dull monotoned voice. There is no passion in me. Not for this. My passion is in my hope, but i have already addressed that topic. I am a case, a guitar.

Beleive. Beleive. Beleive.

I do not beleive in faries.

BRIGHT EYES CONTEST

Tue, 01 Mar 2005 03:10:40 GMT

IF YOU ARE THE FIRST TO GET THEM ALL RIGHT I WILL GIVE YOU BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT/ DO ANYTHING FOR YOU that costs less than 5 bucks.

really. all bright eyes songs.

the Bright Eyes, LJ version, of name that tune... lets see how well you guys know bright eyes songs. :)
Step 1: Get your playlist together, put it on random, and play
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 20 songs that play
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly

    1.   And nothing since has felt as radiant or real
    2.   Believe you're where you are, keep acting out the part, at the end of the day, the trees all get wheeled away
    3.   I hide behind these books I read while scribbling my poetry; like art could save a wretch like me.
    4.   Yeah, your kind of truth, darling, is just the ghost of your lies
    5.   So, I've made peace with the falling leaves, I see their same fate in my own body
    6.   Lay in bed and talk to a good friend
    7.   So i am reminded of things ive forgotten, the way doors just open and people just walk in.
    8.   I think I was blind before I met you
    9.   Cause my hand thinks I'm an artist but my heart knows I'm a poet
   10.   Does he lay awake listening to your breath? Worried you smoke too many cigarettes
   11.    I thought you wanted that?
   12.   You write such pretty words, but life's no storybook.
   13.   I would gladly leave my hiding place, yes I'm hoping to be seen.
   14.   And you would be happy if only you'd try... but you don't try.
   15.   And it's too hard to focus through all this doubt.
   16. I spent a day dreaming of dying in Mesa, Arizona, where all the green of life had turned to ash.
   17.   Conversations competing for space
   18. It was in a foreign hotel's bathtub I baptized myself and changed, and one by one I drowned all of the people I had been.
   19. Let me do the right thing, Let me do the wrong thing
   20.But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter, I read all of the pages and there's still no answer.

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 20:54:17 GMT

Going to Hell in a LiveJournal Handbasket by ihavebadideas
Username
Favorite letter
Day you get sucked down to Hell:	November 15, 2049
Gets sucked with you:	_scripted
Is your ferryman across the river Styx:	xhuntergatherex
Guides you through the place:	scarlet_me
Turns down the heat for you:	blue_glue
Argues your case for reinstatement to life:	12271987
Is the guardian of your own, private Hell:	softerxsoftest
Turns out to be Satan:	xabsolutko
Turns out to be Satan's bitch:	glamorized_gash
Performs the ritual to bring you back:	apassengerseat

Quiz created with MemeGen!

sorry kristen, thanks molly....i never thought lisa had it in her

Thu, 24 Feb 2005 02:38:16 GMT

age: 17

height: 5'6"

location: norristown, pa

hair color: many

eye color: blue-grey

sexual preference: boys

what do you think of cheerleading: ithink its cool, and probably more work than i could ever do.

of the people you've kissed, who was the worst kisser: canadian.

do you like pickles: yes. PICKLELICIOUS!!! no.

do you watch porn: yes.

Do you have any pets: massey and bailey, two english black labs

do you have your own phone line: kinda, a cell phone

your thoughts on abortion: go for it.

do you like Britney Spears: no.

what do you want to do with your life: i think i want to be an english professor with a background in theatre and the fine arts, maybe teach english at an art school, haha.

ever been butt naked bangin' on the bathroom floor: no.

would you ever get plastic surgery, if so, on what: yes. i'd want to be skinny.

biggest redneck you know: my old neighbor from illinois who was crazy from syphillis, onve he came over and claimed someone stole his truck and he had 500 dollars cash in it. he actually just forgot he parked it in the front.

do you think foreign accents are sexy: depends.

do you like hot dogs: yes.

last time you went to the doctor: a couple hours ago.

ever taken ballet: no.

last time you used the restroom: a couple of hours ago.

most attractive person you know: ?.

piercings: 4 earhols total.

tattoos:none.

shoe size: 8.

favorite color: i loke everyone.

describe yourself in four words: ambivalent, caring, sincere, different

siblings: sister and two step sisters and a step brother

underwear: black

coffee cup: none.

laaasstt....
cd you listened to: im wide awake its morning

person you called: meredith

person that has called you: kristen.

person you emailed: mr lee?.

person who emailed you: myspace.com

person you kissed: nick... stupid, stupid me.

you have a bf or gf: nope.

you have a crush on someone?: kinda. not really. moreso just wish i had someone.

you wish you could live somewhere else: new york

your thoughts about suicide: meh.

others find you attractive: girls and gay boys.

you do drugs: no.

you smoke: kinda

you like roller coasters: yes.

you write in cursive or print: print.

long distance relationships?: nah.

do you....
like the taste of blood: yes.

believe in love: yes.

believe in soul mates: no

believe in love at first sight: no

believe in god: no

ever cried over a girl/boy: yes.

ever lied to someone?: yes.

ever been arrested: no

ever dated anyone who's in your lj friends list: no.

ever been in a fist fight: no.

what...
are you scared of: being alone, fat, needles, failure.

number.....

of times I have been in love? 1

of times I have had my heart broken?: 1.

of hearts I have broken?: 0.

of boys I have kissed?: 4

of girls I have kissed?: none.

of men I've slept with? .

of girls I've slept with?: 0

of continents I have lived on?: 1

of drugs taken illegally?: none

of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends?: 1.

What's the best show you've ever attended?:
dresden dolls.

If you had to give up either music or sex for the rest of your life, which would you pick?:sex

What's your favorite bad-for-you food?: pizza hut.

Are you a dog person or a cat person?: both

What's your favorite US city?: chicago

Have you ever made out with more than one person in the same 24 hour period?: no.

Favorite curse word?: fuck.

Have you ever had a romantic/sexual encounter with a rock star?:no.

What's the craziest/stupidest thing you've ever done while drunk?: nothing really.

What current trend do you think is ridiculous and wish would go away immediately?:depression.

HAVE YOU EVER...
[Said "I love you" and meant it?] yes
[Been to New York?] yes.
[Been to Florida?] yes.
[California?] no
[Hawaii?] no
[Mexico?] no.
[China? Japan?] no.
[Canada?] no.
[Europe?] no.

EITHER OR...
[Apples or bananas?] both
[Red or blue?] depends what for
[WalMart or Target?] Target
[Math or English?] english.
[High school or college?] college

Future
[do you want to get married] maybe
[if so, what age would you like to be married at] whenever it is right
[who will you marry] someone interesting.
[what do you want to do when you grow up] i want to be able to love what i'm doing.

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 16:13:48 GMT

I can hold you in my hand like a bottle

as a tree holds a leaf apon her limb

and keep you safe and never falter

and love you until

the fall comes and you shatter and break

leaving pieces of our love

shards of glass in the sand.

So i will stand on the boardwalk

with a fist in my chest and head

clenched about one of your shards.

a splinter.

clenched tightly for all of time.

Tue, 01 Feb 2005 06:09:30 GMT

ever feel like you want to lie your head in your hands, and never lift it up again.

close your eyes.

hold them tight and wish for something better

something better that will never come

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 00:01:22 GMT

my writing. my art. my life.

out of fucking nowhere

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 04:17:19 GMT

stapleyourshins: im sorry, just take it as you will, but im sorry for everything.
he signs off
panic attack ensues

Sun, 16 Jan 2005 21:37:49 GMT

they twist around
their stiff green stalks
and dance and sway
following the reflected and refracted light
off of air
off of nothing
of indvisible space

They all grow thinner and their petals
a faint brown.

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 23:44:12 GMT

"Do you ever feel like your not going to make it, that all the hurt and pain you feel is just to much? You seem to be fighting against something that is much stronger than you see yourself being. heart races, body shakes as you raise the blade and try to release those demons that are haunting you. You look at yourself in the mirror in horror at the imperfection that you see.
Walking through life thinking everyone is just as disgusted when they look at you as you are when you look at yourself. Putting your body through hell trying so hard to be perfect. Will you make it, can you ever become perfect? Or is death just one breath away? And what of that loneliness that fills your life, are you to imperfect to love, to unworthy?
Your hands are empty, you long to be touched to be held. You want to hear that everything will be okay because you are perfect the way you are. At night while laying in bed you look next to you at the empty space and think why, why can't I be loved? What is so wrong with me that I have to be alone? So you get up go into the bathroom and ------------------------that day. Body shakes, heart races tears fall from your eyes as you sit there next to the toilet thinking how did it get to be this way?
Barely able to get up as if that wasen't enough torture to yourself you get the -----------------------------------------. Is your pain gone now, is everything alright? After you stop the bleeding you climb back into bed and lay there and cry, you long to die but can't still holding on to that one last hope, maybe I can be loved. But in there morning when you wake up, your still alone no one cares. " - tormented_daily

a survey woth my time.

Sun, 09 Jan 2005 19:18:01 GMT

f i r s t s
First real kiss: 16
First break-up: 16
First screen name: yttp
First self purchased album: TLC "crazy sexy cool"
First pets: tracy, a cat
First piercing/tattoo: ears, before i can remember
First credit card: i dont know
First true love: nick
First enemy: Amanda Stell

l a s t s
Last car ride: last night
Last kiss: 2 weeks ago
Last good cry: a week ago
Last library book checked out: dunno
Last beverage drank: water
Last food consumed: clementine.
Last phone call: yesterday, katie.
Last time showered: yesterday
Last shoes worn: my raised chuck type things
Last item bought: garden state
Last annoyance: huck finn

r e l a t i o n s h i p s
01. who are your best friends? katie, jeff,
02. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? no.
03. who is your crush? i have no idea
04. are you a virgin? -

f a s h i o n | s t u f f
where is your favorite place to shop?online.. ha

s p e c i f i c s
what kind of shampoo do you use? suave for kids, cherry
what are you most scared of? being alone
what are you listening to right now? the computers hum
where do you want to get married? ?
how many buddies are online right now? 16
what would you change about yourself? lots.

f a v o r i t e s
01. color: black, green, brown
02. food: ?
03. boys' names: ?
04. girls' names: Eden or nirvana, anything paradisy
05. subjects in school: English
06. animals: goose
07. sports: figure skating?

h a v e | y o u | e v e r
01. given anyone a bath? no
02. smoked? yes
03. bungee jumped? no
04. made yourself throw up? yes
05. skinny dipped? no
06: been in love? sadly yes
yourself cry to get out of trouble?no
. pictured your crush naked? no
. actually seen your crush naked? no
. cried when someone died? my fishes. people no
11. lied? yes
12. fallen for your best friend? i think it was kinda both at the same time
13. been rejected? yes
14. rejected someone? yes.
15. used someone? no
16. done something you regret? yes

c u r r e n t
clothes: hoodie, blue thermal pants
smell: ?
favorite artist. escher
cd in player: cake
color of toenails: untainted
l a s t p e r s o n
you touched: myself
hugged: sean
you imed: no clue

a r e y o u
understanding: yes
open-minded: yes
arrogant: i dont think so.
insecure: yes
interesting: kinda
hungry: no
smart: kinda
moody: yes
hardworking: depends.
shy: yes.
attractive: no
bored easily: depends
responsible: yes
obsessed: no
angry: sometimes
sad: yes
disappointed: yes
happy: no
hyper: no
trusting: yes.
talkative: depends
legal: huh?

w h o d o y o u w a n n a
kill: sometimes nick, but most of the time no one
get high with: noone
look like: ?
talk to offline: this one guy from myspace
talk to online: nick again

w h i c h i s b e t t e r
coke or pepsi: neither
flowers or candy: Folwers.
tall or short: tall
weed or cigarettes: cigarettes.
black or blonde: black

r a n d o m
in the morning i am: asleep.
all i need is: love
love is: fucked up
i dream about: reality
what do you notice first in a person: hair
last person you danced with: no one
who makes you laugh the most: jeff
who makes you smile: jeff, katie, molly, gina
who gives you a funny feeling when you see them: lotsa people
who has a crush on you: no one

d o y o u e v e r
sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone to IM you: not anymore.
wish you were a member of the opposite sex: sometimes
wish you were younger: no

n u m b e r
of times i have had my heart broken: once
of hearts i have broken: none
of guys i've kissed: 4
of girls i've kissed: 0
of continents i have lived in: 1
of tight friends: at the most 5
of cds i own:who knows
of scars on body: lots

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 05:23:54 GMT

okay, about that last entry. im checking out a new therapist on monday and im on another new prescription. i did get sick in mr. lee's class today (that man must think i am the most sickly girl in thw world) but it passed by mod three. my cancer (the lump on my neck) has been there for over a week now. im keepin an eye on it. but i hope i get better. it would be nice. to be healthy (in every aspect) and all.

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 02:04:06 GMT

I want my own fucking friends. I want to go out with people who would much rather be with me than with nic. possibly dont even know him. Cause compared to him, i am a pile of dogshit. people dont choose dogshit over nick. everyone loves him everyone thinks hes so fucking gorgeous. i want friedns! i want to be able to not hang around him and that not mean i sit around lonely at home. why cant i mean more than anyone else to anybody. i feel so much more alone than anyone i fucking know, cause i dont even have a family. everybody else fucking has a family. i have people i live with. i feel like i am alone in the worll and ive nobody to depend apon. im breaking down. why cant i be special to anyone. its not fair. why? why must i forever be doomed to walk this planet alone making up frivious reasons to not kill myself. I dont want to die really, but what do i really have going for me. come on. im not that smart. there is always someone above me in levels of importance/love. and once i get out of college ill pretty much live alone till i waste away and die. and no one will care. cause theyve got everybody else.

Tue, 28 Dec 2004 20:59:10 GMT

"Suprising that all that sex with meredith hasnt made you any better."

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 05:15:51 GMT

Hands running down fishnet legs
and platinum curls stiff as a rock.

legs spread.

eyes open and painted a rainbow
of oranges and red.

Stand still.

Be beautiful.

Stand still.

Be used.

Stand still.

Be a goddess in white silk
or satin.

As the lighting goes off all around.

You are immortal.

Sun, 12 Dec 2004 15:31:57 GMT

My mother thinks im a joke. "You wouldnt need a psychiatrist if you did what i told you to do." I think i do need help. I think i need alot of it. And right now i relly want to go to the dollar store. Buy a pack of carpet knives and slit my wrists. My mother makes me want to die. Because she makes me nothing. Thats how she treats me. This is all so stupid. Cause everyone has problems with their mother. But i really want to go hurt myself right now. And i cant stand the way i feel. She makes me want to die. She makes me loose all hope that i will ever be taken seriously. And therfore given help and made better. I need help. But its hopeless.

Wed, 08 Dec 2004 19:39:45 GMT

"Her eyes are beautiful" i thought to myself as released my back and stirred my coffee. I don't know why i have this habit. Of stirring it all the time, i drink it black. Black and that is all. I sit and read in this place while the sun sets everyday.

This young girl has often come up to me in the weeks past, and inquired about my life. What i do. Where i go to school. What it is that i have in my notebook. I answer in the most short ways. But she still keeps coming.

I most commonly feed her lies. Not to fascinating, but lies notheless. Why? i dont really know, or seem to care. Could i be developing a habit. Habits are my life. One new one wont hurt too badly. She beleives i attend the Community College. I am in fact a student at NYU. She beleives i come from the plains. I come from an ordinary suburb of Boston. She beleives i am an artist. I am none but a writer, and a lousy one at that.

But she still keeps coming to me. Every Wednesday and Tuesday or so. She attends a public school, but goes to classes elsewhere on the weekend. Comes here to do work or read. But in fact just mostly stares at me, and occasionally speaks. I wonder where her parents think she is. I wonder if she is a virgin. I wonder if she was beaten as a child. I stop and look at my watch.

Im late. I have to go. And as i walk out the door. I glance back, and although everytime his happens, one would think she would watch me leave. Like a stupid schoolgirl with a crush. But in fact, all she does is stare at the table. Through her books, A dead stare into the table. Maybe even through the table, and the floor and the ground. All the way down to the dirty subways. And, hell, maybe china. Its a dead stare.

Thu, 18 Nov 2004 13:45:57 GMT

I am dead. I am dying. There is nothing on the inside. I need someone to save me. and sadly i think i know the only person who can. Think about it a bit. Im doomed. This must be depression. This has to be it. I dont know why i am like this. And then i try to think why i should be like this, a reason, and it depresses me more. But what i think isnt the answer. I dont want to be after school. I could care less for everything that i once cared a lot for. Its impoissible to l ive like this. I feel like i am sleeping. Like my body thinks i am sleeping. So i am breathing very slowly. And not talking very much. I am dying. Its awful.

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 23:42:09 GMT

so. he got it like an hour after i sent it. and i got no response. leave it to me to feel like an ass. like i dont matter. like i am nothing. i guess ill call him eventually. cause, i want to get it out of the way. it sits here in front of my head all the time. and i need to get everything straightened out. its awful. cause i miss him a whole lot and want closure or something new. and the way it is now. i just feel insane. i am insane. i want to know how he felt doing that to me. i want to know if he misses me. i want to know alot. and i just want to fucking get together and make dinner. is that too much to ask. is asking for him to talk to me too fucking much to ask?

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 02:56:02 GMT

Today i met a man who lives a greyscale life

who dreams in techinicolor

and thinks in black and white.

He dreams one day hell learn to fly

and see the world

fron such great heights,

but down here below

on this mound of ice,

he finds all thats true

is he is going to die.

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 21:22:25 GMT

im so fucking grrr. im cold. im wet. ive was told i was unatractive. and people dont liten to me. i cant stand this all.

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 02:44:24 GMT

my dog has the most awful looking stiches ever. it makes me want to cry. i need to ask somebody something. and i need to figure out waht is going on in my life. the world is insane.

Thu, 11 Nov 2004 13:26:06 GMT

last couple days:
hanging out with mim in north philly till all hours of the night
my mother freaking out at me
leads to me calling nick for the first time in forever
leads to mother having bipo moment and being nice when i get home
this all causes an awaful day in monday
i am out of it all day
i am bitter
mim alex and ben take me to the diner afterward
i am still the living dead
i go home i go to sleep
after my mom gives me more shit
wake up
go to gym
participate
go to the nurse during second mod because am going to pass out
i cant breathe
i feel like i am dying
mrs welsh asks f it is cause of billy budd
i make it through the day and breakdown in my dad's apartment.

.
conclusion: first anxiety attack

now today they are finally taking me back to a doctor.

i also found out mim likes me and wants to ask me out.

mrs welsh also now gave me an attandant or something; basically someone to tell what to do.

i asked if they were good at math

I wont forget the way you said "move on move on"

Thu, 04 Nov 2004 02:22:56 GMT

Tell me tell me tell me
How you do that
The way you do
Eyes so cold
So long
So lost

Hands still hands still hands still
And shaking like
Mine do every night
In the dark
At the end
Of everyline

They lie they lie they lie
To me all day
Into evening
Breaking dawn
But behind the sun
The truth is shaking

Like our hands shaking
Like our eyes wandering
Like you and me lying everyday
To the sun
To the moon
To us

Sun, 31 Oct 2004 21:22:39 GMT

So not only is jeff coming home, but he is canceling on me to go to nicks thing. So yeah. Life sucks major ass.