| i do not believe in fairies. |
[05 Mar 2005|02:13pm] |
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Theses pills are fucking with my chemistry. I dont know what happened tonight for a good five minutes. I have no idea. I am going haywire. I tremble and shake with...
The scene is hard. Not hard. But tough to do. It requires me to dig up feelings and emotions i have been holding down with all of my might. Its like a rape victim being told to play a rape scene. I am hoping in some way it will be theraputic. But truely beleive it wont be.
Right now i feel dead. So many disappointing numbers and an empty body. An empty mind. An empty life. But an overflowing mind that desires to burst out of my skull and eat me alive. So many things are wrong. But nothing, in reality is. I dont know where i am, or what i am doing. The truth is so far away from me. I am Reverend Dimmesdale. But not by choice. I am in solitary confinement. I wish to feel.
Did you hear that?
I want to feel. Not just feel though. To feel fine.
Things are amiss. My ambivalence is taking over. My optimism is driven by a pessimistic rush. I need to breakdown. Everything is breaking down, but my body wont. I am a cast, a mold, a shell of a human, and inside is are two tiny atoms about to fuse and blow everything away. I want to feel and to not feel.
I want hospitalization. But not to miss any work. I want ephedrine. I want something back, but i am not sure what. I want to die. I want to go back in time and change who i am. I am a model. I am a picture of something no one wants to be. I need someone to cry to. I need someone to be with me. But there isnt.
Molly, you are being so good to me, you make me feel better. You are an amazing friend. Thankyou so much. I hope to get better. I hope to be well. Hope is agony. Hope is torture. Hope is utterly hopeless. Yellow ribbon, card, shirt my ass. No one knows the desire to dig deep into their wrist like me. To stir the stillness inside. To break the ice. Melt it away with hot metal and fury.
So many emotions to be addressed. This may sound passionate. But it is to be read in a dull monotoned voice. There is no passion in me. Not for this. My passion is in my hope, but i have already addressed that topic. I am a case, a guitar.
Beleive. Beleive. Beleive.
I do not beleive in faries.
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on fire
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[27 Feb 2005|03:54pm] |
sorry kristen, thanks molly....i never thought lisa had it in her
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1 idea| on fire
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[23 Feb 2005|09:21pm] |
age: 17
height: 5'6"
location: norristown, pa
hair color: many
eye color: blue-grey
sexual preference: boys
what do you think of cheerleading: ithink its cool, and probably more work than i could ever do.
of the people you've kissed, who was the worst kisser: canadian.
do you like pickles: yes. PICKLELICIOUS!!! no.
do you watch porn: yes.
Do you have any pets: massey and bailey, two english black labs
do you have your own phone line: kinda, a cell phone
your thoughts on abortion: go for it.
do you like Britney Spears: no.
what do you want to do with your life: i think i want to be an english professor with a background in theatre and the fine arts, maybe teach english at an art school, haha.
ever been butt naked bangin' on the bathroom floor: no.
would you ever get plastic surgery, if so, on what: yes. i'd want to be skinny.
biggest redneck you know: my old neighbor from illinois who was crazy from syphillis, onve he came over and claimed someone stole his truck and he had 500 dollars cash in it. he actually just forgot he parked it in the front.
do you think foreign accents are sexy: depends.
do you like hot dogs: yes.
last time you went to the doctor: a couple hours ago.
ever taken ballet: no.
last time you used the restroom: a couple of hours ago.
most attractive person you know: ?.
piercings: 4 earhols total.
tattoos:none.
shoe size: 8.
favorite color: i loke everyone.
describe yourself in four words: ambivalent, caring, sincere, different
siblings: sister and two step sisters and a step brother
underwear: black
coffee cup: none.
laaasstt....
cd you listened to: im wide awake its morning
person you called: meredith
person that has called you: kristen.
person you emailed: mr lee?.
person who emailed you: myspace.com
person you kissed: nick... stupid, stupid me.
you have a bf or gf: nope.
you have a crush on someone?: kinda. not really. moreso just wish i had someone.
you wish you could live somewhere else: new york
your thoughts about suicide: meh.
others find you attractive: girls and gay boys.
you do drugs: no.
you smoke: kinda
you like roller coasters: yes.
you write in cursive or print: print.
long distance relationships?: nah.
do you....
like the taste of blood: yes.
believe in love: yes.
believe in soul mates: no
believe in love at first sight: no
believe in god: no
ever cried over a girl/boy: yes.
ever lied to someone?: yes.
ever been arrested: no
ever dated anyone who's in your lj friends list: no.
ever been in a fist fight: no.
what...
are you scared of: being alone, fat, needles, failure.
number.....
of times I have been in love? 1
of times I have had my heart broken?: 1.
of hearts I have broken?: 0.
of boys I have kissed?: 4
of girls I have kissed?: none.
of men I've slept with? .
of girls I've slept with?: 0
of continents I have lived on?: 1
of drugs taken illegally?: none
of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends?: 1.
What's the best show you've ever attended?:
dresden dolls.
If you had to give up either music or sex for the rest of your life, which would you pick?:sex
What's your favorite bad-for-you food?: pizza hut.
Are you a dog person or a cat person?: both
What's your favorite US city?: chicago
Have you ever made out with more than one person in the same 24 hour period?: no.
Favorite curse word?: fuck.
Have you ever had a romantic/sexual encounter with a rock star?:no.
What's the craziest/stupidest thing you've ever done while drunk?: nothing really.
What current trend do you think is ridiculous and wish would go away immediately?:depression.
HAVE YOU EVER...
[Said "I love you" and meant it?] yes
[Been to New York?] yes.
[Been to Florida?] yes.
[California?] no
[Hawaii?] no
[Mexico?] no.
[China? Japan?] no.
[Canada?] no.
[Europe?] no.
EITHER OR...
[Apples or bananas?] both
[Red or blue?] depends what for
[WalMart or Target?] Target
[Math or English?] english.
[High school or college?] college
Future
[do you want to get married] maybe
[if so, what age would you like to be married at] whenever it is right
[who will you marry] someone interesting.
[what do you want to do when you grow up] i want to be able to love what i'm doing.
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1 idea| on fire
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[19 Feb 2005|11:14am] |
I can hold you in my hand like a bottle
as a tree holds a leaf apon her limb
and keep you safe and never falter
and love you until
the fall comes and you shatter and break
leaving pieces of our love
shards of glass in the sand.
So i will stand on the boardwalk
with a fist in my chest and head
clenched about one of your shards.
a splinter.
clenched tightly for all of time.
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on fire
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[01 Feb 2005|01:10am] |
ever feel like you want to lie your head in your hands, and never lift it up again.
close your eyes.
hold them tight and wish for something better
something better that will never come
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on fire
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[16 Jan 2005|04:29pm] |
they twist around
their stiff green stalks
and dance and sway
following the reflected and refracted light
off of air
off of nothing
of indvisible space
They all grow thinner and their petals
a faint brown.
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on fire
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[04 Jan 2005|12:21am] |
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okay, about that last entry. im checking out a new therapist on monday and im on another new prescription. i did get sick in mr. lee's class today (that man must think i am the most sickly girl in thw world) but it passed by mod three. my cancer (the lump on my neck) has been there for over a week now. im keepin an eye on it. but i hope i get better. it would be nice. to be healthy (in every aspect) and all.
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on fire
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[02 Jan 2005|08:57pm] |
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I want my own fucking friends. I want to go out with people who would much rather be with me than with nic. possibly dont even know him. Cause compared to him, i am a pile of dogshit. people dont choose dogshit over nick. everyone loves him everyone thinks hes so fucking gorgeous. i want friedns! i want to be able to not hang around him and that not mean i sit around lonely at home. why cant i mean more than anyone else to anybody. i feel so much more alone than anyone i fucking know, cause i dont even have a family. everybody else fucking has a family. i have people i live with. i feel like i am alone in the worll and ive nobody to depend apon. im breaking down. why cant i be special to anyone. its not fair. why? why must i forever be doomed to walk this planet alone making up frivious reasons to not kill myself. I dont want to die really, but what do i really have going for me. come on. im not that smart. there is always someone above me in levels of importance/love. and once i get out of college ill pretty much live alone till i waste away and die. and no one will care. cause theyve got everybody else.
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3 ideas| on fire
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[28 Dec 2004|12:58pm] |
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"Suprising that all that sex with meredith hasnt made you any better."
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on fire
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[22 Dec 2004|12:15am] |
Hands running down fishnet legs
and platinum curls stiff as a rock.
legs spread.
eyes open and painted a rainbow
of oranges and red.
Stand still.
Be beautiful.
Stand still.
Be used.
Stand still.
Be a goddess in white silk
or satin.
As the lighting goes off all around.
You are immortal.
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on fire
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[12 Dec 2004|10:23am] |
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My mother thinks im a joke. "You wouldnt need a psychiatrist if you did what i told you to do." I think i do need help. I think i need alot of it. And right now i relly want to go to the dollar store. Buy a pack of carpet knives and slit my wrists. My mother makes me want to die. Because she makes me nothing. Thats how she treats me. This is all so stupid. Cause everyone has problems with their mother. But i really want to go hurt myself right now. And i cant stand the way i feel. She makes me want to die. She makes me loose all hope that i will ever be taken seriously. And therfore given help and made better. I need help. But its hopeless.
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on fire
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[08 Dec 2004|02:43pm] |
"Her eyes are beautiful" i thought to myself as released my back and stirred my coffee. I don't know why i have this habit. Of stirring it all the time, i drink it black. Black and that is all. I sit and read in this place while the sun sets everyday.
This young girl has often come up to me in the weeks past, and inquired about my life. What i do. Where i go to school. What it is that i have in my notebook. I answer in the most short ways. But she still keeps coming.
I most commonly feed her lies. Not to fascinating, but lies notheless. Why? i dont really know, or seem to care. Could i be developing a habit. Habits are my life. One new one wont hurt too badly. She beleives i attend the Community College. I am in fact a student at NYU. She beleives i come from the plains. I come from an ordinary suburb of Boston. She beleives i am an artist. I am none but a writer, and a lousy one at that.
But she still keeps coming to me. Every Wednesday and Tuesday or so. She attends a public school, but goes to classes elsewhere on the weekend. Comes here to do work or read. But in fact just mostly stares at me, and occasionally speaks. I wonder where her parents think she is. I wonder if she is a virgin. I wonder if she was beaten as a child. I stop and look at my watch.
Im late. I have to go. And as i walk out the door. I glance back, and although everytime his happens, one would think she would watch me leave. Like a stupid schoolgirl with a crush. But in fact, all she does is stare at the table. Through her books, A dead stare into the table. Maybe even through the table, and the floor and the ground. All the way down to the dirty subways. And, hell, maybe china. Its a dead stare.
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2 ideas| on fire
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[18 Nov 2004|08:39am] |
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I am dead. I am dying. There is nothing on the inside. I need someone to save me. and sadly i think i know the only person who can. Think about it a bit. Im doomed. This must be depression. This has to be it. I dont know why i am like this. And then i try to think why i should be like this, a reason, and it depresses me more. But what i think isnt the answer. I dont want to be after school. I could care less for everything that i once cared a lot for. Its impoissible to l ive like this. I feel like i am sleeping. Like my body thinks i am sleeping. So i am breathing very slowly. And not talking very much. I am dying. Its awful.
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on fire
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[17 Nov 2004|06:35pm] |
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so. he got it like an hour after i sent it. and i got no response. leave it to me to feel like an ass. like i dont matter. like i am nothing. i guess ill call him eventually. cause, i want to get it out of the way. it sits here in front of my head all the time. and i need to get everything straightened out. its awful. cause i miss him a whole lot and want closure or something new. and the way it is now. i just feel insane. i am insane. i want to know how he felt doing that to me. i want to know if he misses me. i want to know alot. and i just want to fucking get together and make dinner. is that too much to ask. is asking for him to talk to me too fucking much to ask?
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on fire
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[16 Nov 2004|09:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lonely |
] |
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Today i met a man who lives a greyscale life
who dreams in techinicolor
and thinks in black and white.
He dreams one day hell learn to fly
and see the world
fron such great heights,
but down here below
on this mound of ice,
he finds all thats true
is he is going to die. |
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on fire
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